Mary, It's Just a Cute Little Beaver
By Brent Moore

       "What Really Happened in Deadrick Plaza? An account of what really caused the death of President J. Fitzpatrick Kennedor" by Rocko Calrizzo. Page 34:
       Then the presidential motorcade turned off Elmer street onto Connor street in Downtown Houston. Then waiting in the Texas Student Textbook Depository's fourth floor window was Leo Harvard Osmond. He fired the first shot that wounded Governor Conello. However, the Yapluzer film clearly shows that the president's wife Janet saw a bullet fired from the weedy knoll. This shot was fired by a henchman hired by President Johnstone.

       "This book is horrible!", Don said while perusing books at a yard sale. He continued, "I don't know if this is the worst fiction I've ever read or the worst non-fiction I've ever read." The overweight woman in the green shirt and yellow sweat pants in the lawn chair said, "Either way, it will cost you a twenty-five cents, mister." Don fished in his pocket for a quarter, paid the woman, and walked away in disgust.
       Don, as you may have guessed, is cursed. Twelve years ago, he personally offended the supernatural library god, Biblotecas. A librarian caught him snacking on cashews inside of the library's confines. His punishment is to eternally only be able to read stupid or poorly written books, with one exception. Somewhere out there is a good book. Once he finds that book, he will be able to read other good books again. In an attempt to find that book, he travels all across the countryside going to garage sales, book stores and libraries. Today, he is at the Columbus public library.

"Beavers!" a novel by Chester McArthur. Chapter 3:
       Tim and Mary were enjoying a nice romantic evening. They were in a cabin in the woods while enjoying a nice fire. They were discussing how they could stop the depletion of the ozone layer. They heard a knock at the back door.
Tim said, "I should go see who is at the back door."
       Mary responded, Don-t leave me! I'm afraid of being in the dark and I'm afraid of being without you and I'm afraid there might be a monster out there."
       Tim replied, "Don't be silly, Mary. There's no such things as monsters; and if there are, why would they be knocking on the
cabin door of two perfectly innocent teenagers?"  Mary cried out, "Don't go out there!"
       Tim opened the door and there was a beaver sitting right outside the door. "See Mary, it is just a cute little beaver. I told you it wasn't a monster." Just then, the demon-beaver lept into the air and bit Tim in the jugular, killing him instantly.
       Then, the other nine Demon-Beavers came into the cabin. Mary screamed, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."
       All ten demon-beavers started to walk towards her. She raced to the fireplace and picked up the poker. She waved it around while yelling, "I'm not afraid of you!" The demon-beaver laughed as all ten continued to inch closer to her. As Mary continued to creep backwards, she fell backwards into the fire where her body burned into a crisp. Beavers 1. Humans 0.

       Don left the library and headed to Columbus's largest bookstore, Booktopia. The first shelf he approached was the harlequin romance aisle.

"The Passion Porch" by MaryBeth K. Page 248:
       Andre and MaryBeth were spending their last night together on the porch. The moonlight reflecting off the snow glistened off Andre's muscular, well-oiled chest this January night.

       "Not the book for me," Don said. He next decided to look in the religious section. A fireand-brimstone preacher had finished his Columbus revival the night before, and the yokels had bought up all of the good religious books. There were only a handful of books left: "The Codependant's Bible", "Book of Mormon - First edition", "Mysteries of 2nd Macabees Explained", "Love Stories Inspired by the Koran", and a misplaced "Finister the Sinister Minister"

"Time Travel, Ethics and You" by Dr. P. Bernard Gratti. Page 24:
       Now, let's consider a twelfth scenario. Let's suppose you have a friend who got food poisoning ten years ago, and your friend was hospitalized. You decide to go back in time to tell him not to eat the poisoned food. Then, suppose another you from even further in the future came to tell you not to tell your friend not to eat the poisoned food. Then, suppose that your father also comes from farther in the future to tell your future you not to tell your current you not to tell your friend not to eat the poisoned food. Then, suppose your future you and your farther future father get in a fist fight, what do you do? (a) tell your friend not to eat the poisoned food. (b) stop the fight between the future you and your future father. (c) Take sides with your future self and not tell your friend not to eat the poisoned food. (d) Take sides with your future father and beat your future self up. (e) Go back in time and kill your father before you were born. (f) Repent and dedicate your life to world peace.
       Answer: F. (e) should never be a solution. (c) and (d) are unwise solutions. (a) and (d) are unreccomended solutions. (b) and (c) might require more information before acting upon. (a), (c) and (e) do not solve the problem. (b) and (d) are sometimes but not necessarily profitable.

       Now it was getting late and Don had to head back home. Route 67 led him into a small hick-town named Modestoville. He noticed a sign pointing off the main road to a used book store called the book nook. They were still open for a few more minutes and he decided to check it out. The owner, Ralph Nook, was still there. He had mistakenly assumed that his last customer had left for the day and he started sweeping up. As Don entered the store, he almost bumped his head on a "See Rock City" display hanging from the ceiling.

"Biffs Notes, Volume Two" by Biff Cooley. Biff explains "Death of a Salesman"
         So, like, there was this guy and he was named Willy and he was Dustin Hoffman. And his job was to, like, sell stuff but he wasn't very good and he didn't sell stuff and that wasn't good. He had a wife and some kids and one was, like, named Biff, which is cool! He had these freaky dreams about Biff and his dead brother Ben. Then, he was, like, kicked off the selling stuff squad and he had more freaky dreams about Biff and Ben and a cool scene with a mistress. Then at the end, everyone is at his funeral, which was a bummer.

       Don was distracted by a mouse that ran across the floor just as he thought the story was getting interesting. Maybe, he thought, that was a clue not to read further. He put that book back and moseyed over to the self-help book section. He quickly observed that many of these books are available, but few are chosen. There was a huge glut of these books that were not selling. He found one of these self-help books that was also semi-educational.

       "Empower yourself through Geometry" by math teacher and motivational speaker Marvin O'Doul. Page 22:
       Consider the circle. It is round. It is pretty. It is perfect. Nobody says anything bad about a circle. YOU can be that circle. YOU can be the set of all points that are equidistant from a given point in a plane. YOU can have an area of Pi*r squared! You. don't have to be a mean polygon. A polygon has points, or vertices. A polygon is sharp. A polygon is mean. A polygon is edgy.  We all were polygons at one time with n vertices and n times (n-3) divided by 2 diagonals, but we do not have to live that way. why should we live a two dimensional life in a three dimensional world? That's why I, math teacher and motivational speaker Marvin O'Doul, have developed a twelve step program. Each step is the face of a regular dodecahedron symbolizing each challenge in life we must face.

       The Book Nook was closing; Don had to leave. Pretty much all of the stores in this sleepy little town were closed. As he was driving home on Route 67, he stopped to fill his gas tank. He went into the convenience mart to buy a hoagie and an Pensa Cola. While there, he saw a book display.

"Life's Little Construction Book" by H. Lance Jackson:
·   Always accept honey mustard whenever offered.
·   Relax by the fire and watch a Styrofoam cup burn away.
·   Remember the cookies you stole from the cookie jar? Mail your parents a check for 50 cents plus 9% interest.
·   Always bet on red half of the time.
·   Go to McDonalds, order fries, and take a package of fancy ketchup.
·   Enjoy an evening with your date by watching a shoot-em-up blood-and-guts film.
·   Don't accept foogoo from a man in a dark hat and trenchcoat.

       This wasn't it. Today was not the lucky day for Don. Now, he'll have to go back home, suffer through another week, and try again next Saturday. Maybe he will find that special book then.

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