James Merloni, 28, and Lorraine Stocker,
26, had been happily dating for 19 months. For Valentines Day, James rented
the biggest billboard on Main Street, which said, "Lorraine, Will you
marry me? - James." The ecstatic Lorraine called James the moment she
saw it.
They got married at the Happy Hills
Chapel of Peace and Joy and Love and Matrimony. They honeymooned on the
island of Oahu. He was almost stung by a jellyfish. She almost choked on
a crab cake. Years later, they could look back and laugh.
James became a successful financial
planner. Lorraine worked as an athletic trainer until she gave birth to
three adorable children, Jimmy Jr., Louie and Melody. He retired at age
50 as a millionaire. They watched as their children attended Harvard, Yale
and the New York Conservatory of Music. When they were 60, they had a total
of seven grandchildren. James Merloni and the former Lorraine Stocker grew
old together, and they were happy.
This story is not about them.
James Planter and Lorraine Kittles had
dated a turbulent four months. James had told her that he had a romantic
surprize waiting for her on this Valentine's Day. He had fixed a candlelight
dinner for her and was willing to sit through "Bridges of Madison County"
with her. As she drove to her apartment, she happened to see the biggest
billboard on Main Street. James was tossing a salad when Lorraine burst
through the door and jubilantly exclaimed, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
James knew his tossed salad couldn't
be that exciting and quizzically asked, "Yes to what?"
"Yes, I WILL marry you!"
James realized that whatever proceeded
forth from his mouth would be the wrong thing to proceed forth from his
mouth at the moment, but tried it anyway. "Why would you want to marry
me?'"
"The billboard!"
"The billboard?"
"The big billboard. That one on Main
street."
"Oh, that billboard. Yes." James soon
relized that this would be the worst day of his life. He had prepared a
short list of about a dozen girls who he would be willing to marry. Lorraine
failed to make the final cut. He was still going to do the best he could
to save face. "Would you like some filet mignon?"
Over dinner, Lorraine asked, "So where's
my ring?
"The ring?"
"The engagement ring my little apple
dumplin' !"
At this point, most men would
have run out of the room crying. James, however, had a most fortunate backup.
Grandfather Planter had proposed
to his future bride in 1910 with an exquisite 3 carat diamond engagement
ring. After Grandma passed on, the ring was handed down to James to use
at the appropriate moment. This wasn't the appropriate moment, but the
ring was going to be used. For the time being, they were engaged.
It wouldn't last. 5 months, 20
fights, 17 stitches, two broken noses and a car-bomb later, the engagement
was broken off.
James never intended to wed -
at least not with this girl. He could never find the fight time to say,
"We should stop seeing each other."
On one particular night, it was
rather difficult. Cindy called. She was lonely. She wanted a date. 98 percent
of the time, James would have accepted a date from this woman, but at the
moment he and Lorraine were choosing a china pattern.
James had wanted to date Cindy
for years. Ever since he had seen her in Sophomore French class, he wanted
to date her, but he never could. All through high school, Cindy dated Bubba,
the 3 year starting linebacker on the high school football team. When she
went to a different college, he lost all contact with her but not all the
feelings. Cindy was a woman on the "short list."
Then, the phone call. He couldn't
say yes to the one he loved when his fiancee was in the room. He couldn't
ask for a phone number. He couldn't even provide a good reason for her
to call him back. He stayed up that night wondering how he could be engaged
to the girl he never proposed to.
James finally had to break
the bad news to his girl on July 4. "Do you see how the red fireworks are
shot to the left and the white fireworks are shot to the right? I believe
that represents us."
"What?"
"Those red ones - they are propelled
to the left. And the white ones they're propelled in the opposite direction.
That's us!"
"I have no clue what you're talking
about, honey biscuit."
"Them red ones are going one way.
The white ones are going the other way. So should we!"
"I still have no clue what you're
talking about, gravy lump."
He screamed, "I'm dumping you!
I'm levaing you! I'm ditching you! . I don't want to date you anymore!
Get out of my dating life! Goodbye!"
Everyone in a ten row radius turned
to look at the two.
Lorraine said a few things inappropriate
for a family-oriented story, slapped him and ran off crying, never to be
seen again.
...Until she realized that he
drove and she didn't know how to get home. After the relatively less interesting
fireworks (the ones in the sky) were over, James drove her home. She cried
for fifty strait hours, pausing breifly only to eat and gossip over the
phone with her girl friends.
The next meeting between the two
was three days after the incident. She informed him that she had pawned
the ring. "I got two-thousand dollars in cash and this wonderful pistol,"
which she promptly showed him. He deduced it was not wise to complain about
selling an irreplacable family heirloom to a pawn shop.
James knew his dad would kill
him if he lost grandma's precious ring. The next day, James sold his car
at a dealership for twenty-two hundred dollars - Just enough to buy back
the ring.
As he took the bus home, he decided
to stop for dinner at Cosmic Burgers (known to some as the Unidentified
Frying Objects, but that's beside the point). While there, he saw Fiona.
He's had an interest in her ever since she enrolled in his college Biology
class. She was on the "short list." He then asked her on a date.