This book is dedicated to: anyone who will pay me money to write literature. It is also dedicated to: my wife, my mistress, my cousins, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my in-laws, my outlaws, my aunts, my uncles, the last 3000 years of my ancestors, the gubernatorial candidates, congress, the Department of Housing and Urban Development, ad nauseam.
Other books available by the Desesperadamente Malo Publishing Company:
“1001 extraordinary uses for ordinary household items”by Stan Blucose
“The Never-beginning story” by Rip Offerdahl --6.95
“Big Book of Crossword Puzzles so Tough, You Can’t Do Them” --6.95
“Big Book of Crossword puzzles Written in Sanskrit” --6.95
“Big Book of MENSA Crossword Puzzles” --6.95
SPECIAL!!! All three crossword books, only: -19.95
Mensa’s guide to passing the G.E.D. --8.95
For each title, please add 1.00 for shipping & handling &
Residents of West Virginia and Guam please add appropriate sales tax._________
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. In accordance with the Fire Marshall’s office, we request that you refrain from smoking while in the theater. In accordance with the U.S. Surgeon General’s office, we request that you refrain from smoking at all times. In case of emergency, we request that you take a moment to observe the exit signs located either to your left or to your right. Do not under any circumstances use these doors. They have not been properly checked to determine whether or not they are clear, unobstructed exits from the building. In case of a spread of Anthrax, please remain calm and orderly until the third-degree biomedical contamination unit has examined you for exposure to the bio-hazard. If you find this book completely horrible, you may use it as a floatation device.
What you are about to hear is a test. It is only a test. (Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do) What you have just heard was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency, the sound you have just heard would have been followed by screaming and frantic running. Thank you for your attention and enjoy the rest of the book.
Table of Contents: The following items may or may not appear in this collection, depending on the laziness of the author. Therefore, all page numbers might be given in septa-decimal and only a computer scientist has the algorithm to translate the numbers for you.
prologue by Dr. Steven Roberts,
Story: The Toy that Gives Depth to My Sorrow;
The Null Story;
a lame children’s story;
Where Tires Tread and Day’s Dream;
Men are From Earth and Women are too- Get Over it;
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Rowboat;
Alice Doesn’t Live Anymore;
the moral of the story,
Introduction to the Prologue:
Dr. Steven Roberts was born in Missouri City, Kansas in 1964. He did his undergraduate and Masters work at the University of Kansas at Missouri. He received a Ph.D. in Literary Criticizing from the University of Bucksnort college of Linguistics. He has been writing sarcastic bunk ever since.
By Dr. Roberts
Mr. Brent Moore has a level of talent which is hard to find. I feel his real talent is wasted here. He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in. I can assure you that no book would be better read. I urge you to waste no time in reading this book. I most enthusiastically recommend this book with no qualifications whatsoever - Dr. Steven Rogers.
It is with my sincerest appreciation for you choosing to read this book. I know that your life will be truly enriched by the reading of it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did when I wrote it. Thank you with my warmest regards, Brent K. Moore.
Story 1: The Toy that Gives Depth to My Sorrow
O toy, loathsome toy, why bothersome must you be?
O toy, unchangeable toy, why do you make fun of me?
O toy, electronic toy, bought at a yard sale months ago,
O toy, insatiable toy, my hatred of you doth grow.
Now, it has an alarm. Though would bring me no harm.
I can’t turn it off. Every night it goes off.
I paid just a dollar and now I must holler, “Why do you wake me up every evening?”
Promptly at midnight it gives me a big fright when those synthesized bells start to ring.
Every time at this hour, the notes start to shower “London Bridge is falling down.”
You’ll see me today so happy and gay at the Institute of Psychopath Clowns.
Story 2: The Null Story
Story 3: The lame children’s story:
A Day with Mr. Freddy
Freddy is sitting in his comfy chair.
Freddy is relaxing.
Relax, Freddy. Relax.
Freddy is watching T.V.
Freddy has a remote control for his t.v.
Freddy doesn’t have to get out of his chair.
Freddy is happy.
Freddy is watching sports.
Go, Packers, Go!
The Packers are winning.
Freddy enjoys watching sports.
Freddy is thirsty.
Freddy is lazy.
Freddy calls for his wife.
His wife cheerfully comes to his side.
Freddy asks her to get him an adult beverage.
His wife is submissive.
Freddy is happy.
Freddy is still happy.
The Packers gave up a touchdown.
Freddy says some things he shouldn’t.
Freddy doesn’t like watching sports.
Freddy turns off the t.v.
Freddy takes a nap.
Freddy starts to snore.
Freddy’s wife brings him an adult beverage.
Freddy can’t thank his wife because he is asleep.
Freddy is so peaceful.
The aliens visit Freddy.
The aliens use their rays to vaporize Freddy.
Freddy’s flesh has burned off.
Freddy’s body is a lifeless pulp.
Please visit a sponsor of these stories (paid advertisement): Have you ever wondered what the Number one Christian Prozac song is? Ring out the Message. Have you wondered why this song is “Ring out the Message” and not “Ring the Message Out”? Find the answer to this and more at Twenty-second Century Christian Bookstore. Come and buy our latest songbook, “All the Christians in the House say 'Yo!' ” Also get our newest Bible translation, “Word to Your Mother.” Be the first at your church to keep up with the Twenty-second generation.
On August 7 of that same year, Terry went to trial. One month later, he was convicted on all six counts of murder by a jury of his peers. Elaine is still trying to fully recover and move on with her life. Although her psychotherapy is successful, she will never be able to drink milkshakes again. Detective Harper was praised for his brilliant, yet unorthodox, work on the case. He was soon promoted to Lieutenant. Detective Fano survived the gunshot and is now recovering at St. Jerome’s Hospital. The citizens of Scranton might someday forget the incident, but those involved will remember in their hearts forever.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife; nor shalt thou covet thy neighbor's house, his field, or his man-servant, or his maid-servant, his ox, or his ... donkey, or anything that is thy neighbor's.
The Moral of the Story:
It might be brain surgery, but hey, it’s not like its rocket science.
For more information on this or other interesting topics, please visit your local public library.