Twas the Night Before.... (bachelor's version)

Twas the Night Before Saturday And all through his house
        The bachelor was lonely With the lack of a spouse
His stockings were hung by the chimney with care
        In hopes that Laundry fairies Would wash them up there
The bachelor was nestled all snug in his bed
        While visions of computer solitaire danced in his head
And the dog in his doghouse and me in my cap
        Had just settled down for a one-hour nap
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter
        I sprang from my futon to see what’s the matter
Away to the window I flew and I dashed
        Tore open the blinds which were wrinkled and mashed
My floodlights reflected the new fallen snow
        Gave the luster of midday on my 88 Toyo (ta)
But what to my wondering eyes should appear
        Was a miniature van and eight passengeers
With a reckless driver so lively and quick
        I knew in a moment it’s my roommate Nick
More rapid than rivers his eight friends they come
        And he Whooped and he hollered and called out their names
Hey Donna! Hey Danny! Hey Princess and Victor!
        Yo Cody! Yo Cutie! Yo Donny and Brenda!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the siding!
        Now drive away! Drive away! Drive away gliding!
As burned toast that before the wild hurricane fly
        When they meet with an obstacle moon to the sky
So up to my doorstep the group they all flew
        With a van full of friends and my roommate Nick, too.
And then like a crashing I heard on the roof
        Hoping the shingles weren’t ruined like, “poof!”
As I drew in my head and the turned 180,
        Down came my roommate - of course with no lady
He was dressed in some cotton from head to his foot
        His clothes were all wrinkled except for his boots
A bundle of clothes he had clung on his back
        He looked like a street bum just opening a pack
His eyes - how they’re pinkish, his scars, how they’re scary
        His cheeks were all poofy and ears were real hairy
The hair on his head was combed with a stapler
        And the stubble on him was coarse as  sandpaper
He had a sad face and  a big plump belly
        That bounced when he snores like a bowl of lime Jell-O
He was chubby and plump - a silly old self
        And I cried when I saw him - he’s the same as myself
He let me know I had nothing to dread
        He pulled out “Die Hard” - we watched it instead
He spoke not  a word but went strait to escape
        Filled the VCR, then turned on the tape
And scratching an itch on the side of his nose
        And giving a nod out the front door he goes
He sprang to his van, to the gang gave a whistle
        And drove away like a misfiring scud missle
And I heard him yell as he sped out of sight
        “Merry weekend to all, and then go sleep all night.”